I know what tomorrow might feel like – England lost to Germany at the Euros on my birthday

“You better remember where you were watching this tonight, because in 30 years’ time somebody will probably ask you”. Des Lynam delivered that iconic line on 26 June 1996, moments after England’s dreams of winning Euro ‘96 shattered, after they crashed out to Germany at Wembley.

Des was right: I can tell you in an instant where I was, 30 years later, because it was my birthday. I was having a party, in fact, when Gareth Southgate missed that crucial sixth penalty – and everybody cried. Which is how I know exactly what it will be like on Monday if England lose to Mexico.

At the time of writing – ahead of Monday “AM”, or, “After Mexico” – nobody is crying and England (still) have all to play for. In that sense, Bellingham, Rice, Pickford et al exist in a sort of Schrödinger’s box of both winning and losing states; where they’re through to the quarter-finals, but they’ve also crashed out at the last 16. Harry Kane is both talisman and disappointment, Thomas Tuchel is both vindicated and eviscerated.

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The possibilities, at this point, are pretty endless – but there’s one thing that’s certain: the behaviour of the Great British Public.

We already know that Keir Starmer has granted pubs special permission to open until 5am, due to the 1am kick-off and predicted 3am finish. But it could end as late as 4am if there’s extra time and penalties – and if thunderstorms stop or pause play, like they did when France beat Iraq in Philadelphia and the game was stopped for two hours – we could be looking at a 5am or even 6am final whistle.

Then, the day will start with a deafening dawn chorus, with birdsong swapped for boos (and lots of booze); early-morning joggers for grown adults jeering and crying and tripping over their feet on the way out of the local pub. Ever seen your nice, affable neighbour screaming at the ref for being a “w*nker”? Ever woken to the strains of “Wonderwall”, crooned as forlornly as a nightingale?

Ever spotted the dad from three doors down, staggering into the sunlight like something from Dawn (or, Shaun) of the Dead? Or, gone into the office only to discover Joan from Accounts has gone completely feral? Meanwhile, Dave from HR is face-down at his desk, noisily weeping; while Mick – the mid-level manager with a man-bag – messaged the boss at 4am and quit because “whassthepoint in anything”.

Spare a thought, then, for the morning commuters this Monday (those rare ones who actually have to go in), for they will be battling both the early start on 10 minutes sleep and the stale, soupy stink of sweat and Stella Artois on the Central Line – at a predicted heat of 30C.

And if you have kids and are planning to let them stay up to watch the game, I’ll pray for you – because you will need it. Some of us have already had emails to say, basically, “we know the football is on, but kids still have to be in school on time”. Good luck with that – especially if they’re teenagers.

There will also – as surely as the word “Engerland” gathers extra syllables every World Cup – be excuses. Some have been carefully put in place already to offset the humiliation of defeat, thanks to the fact that England will face Mexico at Estadio Azteca, which sits at some 7,300ft (2,240m) above sea level.

I would suggest saying: “Didn’t hurt Bob Beamon in ‘68!” and then cheerfully walking off, but you might get punched (at the 1968 Summer Olympics in Mexico City, American long jumper Bob Beamon achieved the “Leap of the Century”, shattering the previous world record with a legendary jump of 8.90 meters. It remained the Olympic record for 23 years, but maybe don’t mention that).

Or, you could refer to Ray Wilkins – the first ever England player to be sent off in the World Cup in 1986 – who was sent off in Mexico. Was that altitude or attitude, Ray? Never mind...

And then (I’ll whisper this, because it’s a bit like saying “Candyman” five times into a mirror) – what if England actually win? Will there be more booze, more noise, more sobbing? If my birthday was anything to go on, back in the nineties, everyone will get drunk and be sick and fall over.

Plus ça change, then. The result may differ, but one thing’s for sure, England – the nation, the people – stays the same.